Didn't Have The Heart
by iceblueyes
Summary: Tomoyo Daidouji knew that it would be impossible that she and Eriol Hiiragizawa would be together knowing that Eriol's former lover Kaho Mizuki had returned to Japan. She had realized that it's not her nature to tell her feelings and fall in pieces.


Author's Notes: I don't own Card Captor Sakura. This is dedicated to myself, for my birthday. Lolz. And this is dedicated to all Eriol Hiiragizawa and Tomoyo Daidouji fans out there. Ice's is one of her mood to write an angst fic again but it would be a miracle if the ending of this story would be, let's say bittersweet. The song Didn't Have The Heart belongs to Debbie Gibson. Do enjoy. =]

_**Tomoyo Daidouji's Point Of View**_

It was two in the afternoon as I stood inside the music room, near the window, of our house. It was raining hard today and it would be difficult to guess when the rain would stop either. Mom had flown to Malaysia to attend a business meeting. She told me she wouldn't be back until next week. A sigh escape from my lips as I remembered what have been through for the past two months. It all started when Eriol Hiiragizawa was hospitalized because he had driven home, drunk and was about to collide with another car but as he stirred his car, it bump to a tree instead. He hit his head hard on the steering wheel and he was in a coma for a month.

For one whole damn month.

I leaned my back on the wall and looked at the piano in front of me. My heart feels heavy as I remembered that he was the one who taught how to play the piano and I told Mom to buy a piano also. He taught me how to play my favorite song on the piano. It was a break-up song.

I sat down on the piano's seat as my fingers began to glide on it. I felt a lump in my throat as I began to play the song that I have grown to love all because of him. Memories of last year entered my mind in a flash as I started singing that sad song too.

_**I've found somebody new**_

_**Though you musn't believe that means I'm over you**_

_**I know that in time**_

_**We'll figure it out**_

_**You'll read my mind**_

_**And though I wait for that day without making a sound**_

_**I don't want to be the one who's letting you down**_

_**I just want you to know the reason behind the rhyme**_

/

_ We were in first year college that time. Syaoran Li had decided to study here in Japan together with Sakura. The three of us went to the same school in Tomoeda University and surprisingly our old friends like Rika Sasaki, Chiharu Mihara, Naoko Yanagisawa, and Takashi Yamazaki were studying there too. It looks like we just couldn't be separated._

_And lo and behold we didn't expect our former classmate, Eriol Hiiragizawa, had come back and was studying in Tomoeda University as well._

_I smiled to myself recalling the first time that I met him. I was planning to join the CHOIR club and was looking for the one who was handling it. They say he was in the music room. When I opened the door I didn't expect that he was playing the piano. The pianist's melody had captured my heart as I was listening intently to the tune. But before I could enjoy listening to his music more, he stopped playing and called out to me. "Sumimasen, Miss, is there something that you need?" he asked; his head tilt and looked at me with a boyish smile on his face. I nearly forgot what I was there for. _

_I cleared my throat and told him what I was doing in the music room. "I am planning to join the CHOIR club. The other members told me that the one handling the CHOIR club is here". I paused as I added, "Are you the one handling the club?" He smiled more as he stood up from his seat and went to me._

"_Hai, that's right. May I know your name please?" strange for I felt like when I laid my eyes on him I knew that I have known him somewhere but I wasn't quite sure._

"_Tomoyo Daidouji", I replied. I saw his facial expression was somewhat shock on what I said but he covered it with a smile._

"_I don't think you need a screening Daidouji-san. At this moment you are already accepted". I looked at him, shock._

"_H-How could I be accepted that easily? You haven't heard me sing yet". This time he was grinning at me. His grin was so familiar. I knew I met him somewhere but I just don't know where._

"_I've already heard you sing Daidouji-san. I'll be crushed if you have forgotten about me", he said. I tilt my head as I looked at his profile. He was definitely handsome, that I can first describe. His hair was dark-blue that matched with his sapphire eyes but his mysterious eyes were behind his glasses. Chotto matte…glasses? And he also plays the piano! I woke up from my mental shock as I've finally said his name out loud and trying to get it right that it was really him._

"_Eriol Hiiragizawa-kun", I said, my cheeks somewhat flushing. Sakura and the others must have known this but why didn't they tell me? Before I could think of anything on how to strangle my cousin for not telling me the news, Eriol was already on his knees, taking my hand and kissed it._

"_I'm happy that you haven't forgotten about me…Daidouji-san". I could still feel my cheeks were flushing as he stood up and flashed his smile again. I smiled back, looking down instead._

"_It's nice to see you again…Hiiragizawa-kun"._

_/_

_**It's not that I didn't have the time**_

_**Didn't have the love**_

_**I didn't have the strength not to fall apart**_

_**It's not that I don't care**_

_**It's just that I wouldn't dare**_

_**Cause I just don't have the heart**_

/

_ Somehow it was a miracle that the two of us had gotten close ever since I had entered the CHOIR club. Somehow we have started to share our likes and dislikes and even shared some secrets that I can't even tell to Sakura. He could read me like an open book and I was that transparent to him. He even told me that I wasn't even good at lying. My ever dearest second degree cousin and best friend and Syaoran had noticed our close relationship and even have the nerve to tease me about him. At first, I completely shrug it all off and tolerate their teasing. But the more I have gotten close to him, the more I cannot tolerate what I feel for him either._

_It was absurd to think that I was falling in love with him just like that but what hurts most is when his former lover, Kaho Mizuki-sensei, had come back to Japan to teach in the same university with Eriol._

_Three was a crowd and somehow I didn't feel like spending my time with him whenever he was around Kaho-sensei. I had revealed the loner side of myself like staying alone in a classroom that has not been used or stay in the library and make assignments when I have free time so that when I arrived home I can easily flop into my bed and sleep. I was doing my best to avoid him by all means and at that time I was trying hard to realize my feelings for him too._

_There was one time that I didn't have the chance to avoid him at all. I was looking at the lyrics and the piano tabs of the song Didn't Have The Heart and had sat on the piano seat, wanting to try on how to play the song on the piano. I didn't realize that Eriol had gone inside of the music room as my eyes were still glued at the song sheet. "I didn't expect to find you here". When he has said that, I looked to where he was. "It's been a while since we've last talked"._

"_Yeah, it's been a while. Do you want to use the piano?" I said as I was readying myself to leave. He held a hand up and sat down next to me._

"_Nah. I was wondering what you are doing here?" I made him looked at the song sheet as he looked at it. "By any chance is this a break-up song?"_

"_Yeah and I was planning to play it on the piano", I replied then he looked at me grinning. "Nani?"_

"_Do you want me to help you?" I knew he would say that and besides he was an expert when it comes on playing the piano. I smiled wryly at him._

"_Of course, I would love to". But what hurts the most was that this time he didn't see through my façade anymore._

_**/**_

_**Love is not black and white**_

_**You'd believe that it's true**_

_**If you saw me tonight**_

_**I struggle with what is real**_

_**But the logical sign doesn't stop what I feel**_

_**And though you're holding your breath**_

_**To be given a sign**_

_**You're heart cannot be broken in pieces like mine**_

_**I just want you to know the reason behind the rhyme**_

_**/**_

_ Before he was brought to the hospital, that night was the most unforgettable night of my life. It was Saturday and we were in the terrace, doing our project because we were partners on a certain subject. He had asked me the question that I was waiting to hear from him. "Tomoyo-san, how come things have changed between us?" I was about to write something when my pen had stopped in mid-air. And placing a smile on my face I looked at him like I-don't-know-what-you-are-talking-about._

"_Changed? I don't think our relationship have changed Eriol-kun", I replied as I went back on writing my part on our project. I heard him sighing._

"_Come on Tomoyo-san be honest with me. I've got a feeling that everything have changed between us ever since Kaho had arrived". I stiffened on what he said as I dropped my pen and stood up from my seat. I went to the rail and lean on it. "Correct me if I'm wrong"._

"_Eriol-kun finals is fast approaching and I'm just busy doing my best to pass the final exams for the first semester", I replied, matter-of-factly. I have heard him stood up from his chair and he too lean at the rail, looking at me._

"_You're lying"._

"_Oh?" was all I could say, looking at the starlit sky. "How sure are you?"_

"_This is about Kaho right?" when I didn't reply he made me face him, his both hands on my shoulder. "Right?"_

"_H-Hanese Eriol-kun. It's not about her!" I really wanted to cry right then and there. He could see right through me but I wasn't prepared to tell him how I really feel._

"_Do I get the point here that that you are…jealous?" he asked; a playful smile on his lips. I averted my gaze. "Well?"_

"_I just wanted to give you and Kaho-sensei some privacy. You were lovers", I replied. I heard him chuckle as I slowly looked at him. "What's so funny?"_

"_Former lovers. Tomoyo-san are you thinking that I am still in love with her?"_

"_W-Well, they say that love is sweet second time around. I thought you were courting her, again", I replied, my words stammering. He shook his head, smiling wryly at me._

"_I don't have feelings for her anymore. I have grown to love a certain lady though", he said softly, his arms around me, pulling me close. I could feel my cheeks were flushing. "I didn't believe that she was that dense"._

"_She might feel the same way", I said, giving him a hint too. "But it would be that difficult to get back the old relationship that you had with her before. She's thinking that you and her are not meant to be". I left his arms as I saw him shock on what I said._

"_Tomoyo, I love you", he said, softly. Too softly that I wanted to believe his words._

"_I love you too but I…I just can't right now I can't be with you!" there were so many doubts. What if Kaho-sensei still loves him also? It would be very difficult for us to be in this kind of relationship. To think everyone knew that the two were former lovers before._

"_If you are not ready yet, I understand. I'll wait for you. I'll wait until that day comes". He grabbed his things as he quickly exited the mansion. And that was the night when I cried so hard when I received a phone call from Sakura in the middle of the night informing me that Eriol was in the hospital and he was in a state of coma._

_I have blamed myself so many times that night. So many "If only" in my head. And it was too late to turn back the time. I knew…I just knew that after that incident things won't be the same again._

_/_

_**Loving you was more than I could stand**_

_**I was scared my heart was in your hand**_

_**But I know now, I've figured it out**_

_**Beyond the shadow of the doubt**_

_**I must…let go…**_

/

I was having difficulty saying the words "_I must let go_". I can't let go of him. I don't know how to let go of him and I think I would never have the strength to do so. And I was scared to fall apart also. I've never felt this kind of love in my life. I swear I wouldn't be able to breathe again if I lose him. Kami-sama, I knew it was too early for me to fall in love with him but I love him-no words can describe what I feel inside for him. It's as simple as I love him.

I stopped playing the piano as I lean my forehead on the piano, my right hand was still on the keyboard. Tears had started to fall again in my eyes and I didn't think I can sing the chorus anymore as I've heard someone singing the chorus for me.

_**Guess I have the time**_

_**Guess I have the love**_

_**I just didn't have the strength not to fall apart**_

I looked to who was singing the song and my eyes amethyst eyes widen-it was Eriol, making his way towards me. I slowly stood up from my seat.

_**It's not that I don't care**_

_**It's just that I wouldn't dare**_

He was standing in front of me, wiping my tears that I didn't care. His voice was always soothing and I hid a smile as I heard him singing the song that he have taught me how to play it on the piano.

_**Cause I just don't have the heart**_

I looked at his sapphire eyes. I knew nothing had changed-I could still see the man who was in love with me and had confessed to me two months ago. Slowly, I sang the last line that he forgot to sang.

_**I don't have the heart**_

And he smiled-that same smile that I have grown to love and missed for two months. And slowly I told him what I have wanted to tell him when he was asleep. "Gomen nasai".

"Hmm?" was all he could say, touching my cheek and I was savoring the feel of his hand.

"Gomen nasai. I should be the one to be blamed on what happened to you-"he silenced me using his finger, his eyes softening.

"It's not your fault, you know. I was kind of depressed that we had the same feelings but you don't want to be with me".

"I want to be with you. But I think Kaho-sensei loves you still that's why-"

"You were thinking that Kaho was still in love with me?" he laughs and his arms were around my waist already. "I told you Kaho and I broke up already and that was a long time ago. I think I forgot to tell you that she had reunited with Touya, her first love".

"O-Oh", I said, blushingly. I never expected that Kaho and Touya had been together.

"I missed the way you blush. I missed the way you feel. I missed that smile on your face, the way your eyes sparkled, I missed the scent of your cologne and most of all I miss you", he said, leaning his forehead to mine. "Do you miss me too?" I smiled at him, touching both side of his face.

"Of course I missed you. Every night I cried not knowing when you are going to wake up", I replied and he grinned at me.

"I love you Tomoyo Daidouji. That would never change and I'm willing to wait". I bit my bottom lip as I tug his collar shirt slightly, pulling him a little closer.

"You don't have to wait any longer. My heart is yours Eriol Hiiragizawa", I said. He smiled; satisfied as he pulled me tighter to his lean body and his lips had descended on mine. I'm never going to let go of him again-not this time, not ever. My endless night of crying and listening to that break-up song has finally come to an end.

The End

Author's Note: Somewhat bittersweet but no, I wouldn't stop listening to this break-up song, not until the day I die. This is for my birthday that I will celebrate on June 29th. Tsk, tsk, tsk…not getting any younger. .


End file.
